First off I want to thank you for reading my blog. Keep coming back I promise this will be an unforgettable experience. Everything I share will be my perceptions of what happened. Of course the narc may one day see this and have his version. Sorry for missing a few days as I was really busy at work. It is that time of the year when special education teachers are really busy. March, April and May are full of meetings and there is a lot of preparation. I do still love my job and it is actually the one of the few positive things in my life. I find joy in my students and watching them grow and make progress academically, socially and behaviorally.

My topic today is music. I am sure many of you might identify with me. But while I was looking at memes I did see that some people who are sad actually enjoy listening to sad music. I can respect that. But for me I had to stop. Enjoy and please leave me a comment letting me know your opinion on my writing, comments on what you read or if you have “been there, done that.” I am looking to find friends who can identify with what I have gone through and still going through. Thank you for being here.

Music

There was a time when music was a huge part of my life .  As a teen in the 80s I loved the boys in the band.  Heavy metal especially.  The city where I grew up was not a major metropolitan area so the places to go to see these bands were few and far between so mainly we went to see them play at practice studios or someone’s garage.  As I aged I discovered I loved country music, and eventually even folk music, classical and jazz.  

I always had my radio on whether it was in my car, my home or on a walkman (yes I am that old.  LOL)

But after the disastrous breakup I just stopped listening.  I wanted silence   So many songs were memories for me.  I can remember a few very important songs from my earlier life that make me think of a specific moment.  When I first had my heart broken (ripped apart) I heard the song… on the radio and that was 35 years ago.  I was only 19 but now when I hear it I am taken back to that moment .  I can see where I was in my mind.  Driving on the freeway, the sun was out and it was a nice day.  But I was dying inside and tears were flowing.

Then there is my wedding song.  I will spare you the title.  Just to say it is a romantic country song and I have never listened to it since my divorce.  If I hear it I switch it off.  My wedding day was absolutely perfect and I still have fond memories of it.  But the song will trigger me to extreme sadness for the loss of that girl who was so trusting and ready to take on the world.  Everything was out in front of me.  I was 27 , married, babies to come, buying a home.  That girl is gone.  She will never return so to listen to it is a reminder of a death. 

My god to feel that way again .. …. 

I mourn that loss

Then there is another song by Pink that reminds me of an ex who hurt me.  Physically hurt me.  Yes I called the police, Yes I broke up with him and that was so terrible I cannot speak of it. That pink song goes off whenever I hear it

It was  a long time before I turned on my radio to listen to music.  Probably over two years.  I just did not want to feel or to be reminded.  So I choose audiobooks as a substitute.  I learned spanish and have read hundreds of novels.  (it has been over 3.5 years)

But one day I did hear a song and it made me laugh.  And laughter was not something I had done in a while.  I will tell you about that song.

Randy Travis.  I told you so.

Yes, no one likes to be told “I told you so” but all of us have felt like saying it at least once in our lives.  Me, I have felt like saying it often but mostly held my tongue but one day after receiving the 15th email with a youtube link of a song that he said , “reminds me of you”  And yes, I had him blocked on both of my gmail accounts but it is really easy to make a new free email and that is what he did.  Let me say this, the music link emails were the least irritating emails I received.  I will tell more about his “word salad” emails later on. There is so much to tell.  

I cannot even remember the songs he sent me.  I was no longer invested in him so I did not click on the links and listen, I did not care and I did not respond.  Until that one day when I just had enough so I sent HIM a link with the Randy Travis song.  I TOLD YOU SO.

Here are the lyrics.

[Verse 1]

Suppose I called you up tonight and told you that I love you

And suppose I said I want to come back home

And suppose I cried and said I think I’ve finally learned my lesson

And I’m tired of spendin’ all my time alone

[Verse 2]

If I told you that I realized you’re all I ever wanted

And it’s killin’ me to be so far away

Would you tell me that you love me too and would we cry together?

Or would you simply laugh at me and say

[Chorus]

I told you so, oh, I told you so

I told you someday you’d come crawlin’ back and askin’ me to take you in

I told you so, but you had to go

But now I’ve found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again

[Verse 3]

If I got down on my knees and told you I was yours forever

Would you get down on yours too and take my hand?

Would we get that old-time feelin’? Would we laugh and talk for hours?

The way we did when our love first began

[Verse 4]

Would you tell me that you’ve missed me too and that you’ve been so lonely

And you’ve waited for the day that I returned

And we’d live and love forever, and that I’m your one and only

Or would you say the tables finally turned?

Would you say I told you so, oh, I told you so

I told you someday you’d come crawlin’ back and asking me to take you in

I told you so, but you had to go

And now I’ve found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again

[Outro]

And now I’ve found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again…

I could not put the link up in her but the song is called,

“I Told You So” by Randy Travis.

SO WHAT WAS HIS RESPONSE?

Adam replied by telling me how heartless and cruel I was.  This was after two years of him persistently emailing me ( I begged him to stop telling him it was causing me great stress and anxiety.  Did he?  NO!)

And after 2 years of posting memes on his PUBLIC facebook page directed at me and gathering sympathy from his flying monkeys who publicly called me a bitch and other not so kind words.  He did that knowing I would see them. His page was never public before our breakup.  So I was told I WAS cruel and heartless now. Cruel?  Not really?  Just sick of his shit.  Heartless?  YES.  I no longer feel like I have a heart.  

Was it a petty thing to do ?  HELL YES.  Do I care?  Not really.  The compassionate and caring part of me is gone.  Beaten out by all of the lies, gaslighting, broken promises and future faking. Years and years of it.  It is coming back  a little.  But when it comes to trusting a man , no it has not. I am just over it and do not care.  Honestly, never thinking about dating.  Thai time in my life is for me.  I have several goals I am working towards and that is my focus. I do not sit around and cry. I only cried once.  Mostly I am just hella irritated at him and sad for myself

I do listen to music now.  But only certain genres.  No sad songs.  I just cannot connect with them or feel any sort of romantic feelings  So mostly I listen to rock or any other genre except country music.  Oh and I do not watch movies like The Notebook anymore either because…. “Our love WILL NOT take us away together”  Do not be a fool.  That was just a movie. 

Has anyone else experienced this?  Am I the only one who cannot listen to love songs?

Did you ever stop listening to music?  If so, how long?

And here are some other gut wrenching country songs that I cannot listen to.

Shenandoah- Ghost in this House

PLEASE SHARE your saddest song. The one that hits you HARD when you hear it. Are you able to listen or do you need to turn it off. I have been turning them ALL off until today. I listened to these two . And I am done. NO MORE. LOL

All my best!- Ruth