Desensitized

You convinced me to trust

Broke down those walls

The walls I had built 

To protect myself

It took some time.

Patience you had for me helped

You waited and watched 

The words you used were

A healing balm

For my shattered soul

You said it often

And easily

“I LOVE YOU

I will protect you

Honor you 

And love you

Above all others”

I began to melt.

“Lean into me”

You whispered 

And I

Let it all go

The rest was easy

And I finally agreed 

To trust and love

Something I never

Thought I would again

But it was a trap and

When I was snared 

You showed me the truth

Of who you were 

(and are)

I would have to wait

Accept it all

And  found I was not your

Priority

Nor was I 

Protected or

Loved 

Lies, broken promises

And you said

I was too sensitive

I imagined it

I overreacted 

and

I was too pushy.

But one day 

The dam burst

I saw YOUR truth

After all, I had been there before.

So now I am 

Back

Inside my head

Solo.

Alone.

BUT I am safe now

Returned 

To where i was before

Stoic

Desensitized

Unwilling to 

Love 

Trust

Or even try.

It is safe here

 No

 More

 Will

  I

Allow that door to 

Open again

How can I?

When I do not trust

My own

Thoughts

Feelings 

Emotions

So I chose ME. 

And

I will keep these things

To myself

From now on….

(I have written a lot of poetry in my life and this is one that hits the nail on the head. Thank you for coming back. I am on a difficult journey and at times I simply cannot even be ME. So I go quiet. This is when I am in survival mode. I am in survival mode right now. Thank you for being here. Please share this so others can understand it is critical to protect yourself or else you may end up like this. I feel broken. I have lost the woman I used to be. I am trying so hard to find her but I have no feelings of romantic love. I have no desire to try. I am actually feeling very angry towards the whole idea of romantic love and how much narcs lie and how hurtful they can be and I am disappointed in myself for allowing this to happen and for taking him back and forgiving him. I have SO much more to tell but it will take a long time to get it out since each time I write I physically feel the pain of the betrayal. Soul mates do not exist. We are lucky if we can find someone who loves us and treats us with respect. Do not be fooled by the love bombing and the narc who tries to tell you he is your soul mate. It is false. They do not exist. I have loved and been loved in the past but these two men have destroyed my sensitive heart and nature so now I feel I must keep my guard up and I am also very angry. Anger helps me at times. Instead of sadness and crying I chose to be mad. I can deal with anger. But sadness reminds me I am weak.) More to come soon

Ruthie