Once upon a time I was a highly sexual woman. I can remember having sex in the bathroom on a cruise on Lake Tahoe. I would think about it and want it. Now today, it has been three years and 5 months and I have not had sex with anyone. I do not understand why. Before I was married I dated, After my marriage I dated. Then there was HIM. The one who destroyed me inside and out.

Before I never let anyone keep me from wanting to go out or have another relationship but when you have been gutted how do you get it back. Last year I went on a reputable dating site (paid the subscription). NO swipe left or swipe right. I was on a good site.
It did not take long to find a match. He was good looking and available. We clicked on a few things. We both loved the paranormal. We talked about true crime podcasts which I love. Then one day he asked me out. To ghost hunt at a local spot that was said to be haunted. As soon as he did my stomach lurched. I put him off. Logged off and thought for a bit

There was just NO way I could go. I started to feel a panic attack rising. So I just logged back on and canceled my subscription. Even though I had two months left.

When I see pictures like the one I put in this post I am confused now. Do people really still believe in LOVE? I feel like I am the main actor in the movie Idiocracy and everyone around me is like the people in the movie who watered their crops with Gatorade and wondered why they would not grow

DUH! Love. WTF? No way. The movies. THE NOTEBOOK. Uggh no way no way no way could a man love a woman that long. How do I know? I know because I am a well educated, good looking, sexy, funny and a good dancer to boot. I am considerate, generous and smart. And I have been screwed over SO many times I am no longer capable of even considering romance. Come on now. The whole “Til death do us part” LOL

I do not miss it. I rarely think about it. and when I do I can take care of myself easily. But the thought of starting up another disastrous relationship astounds me. NO WAY

It seems like the kinder I was the more I got screwed over

Now let me tell you this. In my last NARC relationship I planned these amazing vacations and paid for most of them and I was patient, I was not nosy or controlling. I was always kind and even kind to his family. I was so generous to him and his family but that did not stop him from doing what he did.

What did he do? NOTHING that was the problem He did nothing. We were planning a future which costs money but he just would not do ANYTHING to save money. Nothing. In the two years I saved money he did not put aside a single dollar. But he bought a Harley and went to the races, and paid for his friends drinks out at bars but when I would ask him what he could put in the savings account he always said , “next week” that went on for months until I left him.

Six months we were apart and after a lot of persuasion I took him back. We had a plan. He would work, save money and focus.

Guess what? Well for 7 months I waited for something . Anything and he did not change. Nothing

So I left. And here I am wondering what the hell to do with all this pent up confusion and anger. If he showed up at my door right now I would lose it and probably throw something at him

So ladies it does not pay to be extra nice or to do all those extra things. I worked so much overtime an saved 10 thousand dollars. When I think of all those Saturdays and evenings I sacrificed working over time to save for US I get angry. that is time I will never get back.

SO sex? Ya I guess you have to feel some sort of attraction in order to do it and I have NOT once felt it.

What the hell is wrong with me. I am only 50 and I could pass for 30. Is this the way it will be for me. I have done therapy and all that. But you cannot make someone feel love or love you so I will just keep writing and distracting myself until I stop breathing and I have got a few decades to go (if I am lucky)

So sex, no thank you.