Dear Ruth,

I am a 51 year old woman with three grown children.  I was married for ten years and my divorce was ugly.  It was ugly because of my ex husband who is narcissistic and had been gas lighting me for years.  I left after he lifted his hand to me in an argument. That was enough for me.  So I left and vowed to never marry again.  So.  I dated casually for 7 years and met a man who had friends in common with me. He is a little older than me.  Charming, good sense of humor and I always have a good time with him.  But after 4 years I started to trust again. He wanted to live together and get married.   Both of us would start saving money to buy a home.  He lives in a rented home with his adult son, his children and his mother.  It is the same house he lived in with his ex wife so we wanted our own place.  For 18 months I have been saving and have a nice chunk of change.

  The problem is that Adam has not saved any money at all.  Each week there is an excuse or reason for not saving.  I waited and waited.  Hoping it would change.

 Then last month he told me “we need to talk”  So I found out that his mother (who he takes care of 100 percent, physically and financially) has expressed she does not want to leave.  She does not want to move at all.   He and I always said she would go with us.  So, now he tells me he has to stay.  He is 58 years old.  His mother is in her 80s.  I am flabbergasted that he would allow his mother to dictate his life. 

I am not ok with this.  I told him so.  And now I am the selfish one for “forcing him to choose” as he puts it.

  I am done.  His mother has told him she is lonely and sad and that she needs him to stay there with him. So now I realize she relies on him emotionally.  The past two years of him making excuses for not saving money and now he is just going to forget everything he asked of me.  I feel like as soon as I let down my guard he changed his mind.  He seems to think that I am being selfish and telling me he has to do what his mother says.  I broke it off but I love him and he wants me back.  For us to go back to the way it was.  I cannot do this.  He broke promises and it disturbs me that he is choosing his mother over me.  What should I do?  Am I wrong? Am I being selfish for expecting him to keep his word?

–Sally 

Dear Sally

It seems like your husband is an honorable man taking care of his mother.  He is a keeper.  He is devoted to her and one day he will be just as devoted to you. Have you tried to ask him for the three of you to sit and talk about this?  The three of you should negotiate.  Maybe she is afraid of losing him.   Maybe he is afraid of change.  If he has stuck by you , he has shown he is reliable.  Give the man a chance.  And remember one day his mother will be gone and he will be all yours.

Dear Sally,

I am so sorry but this sounds like the classic :”mama’s boy”  The significant other who is to be the wife as you said should take priority over the mother.  If he is supporting her financially she is being selfish.  He pays for her to live so she should be willing to consider what he wants.  This is his life not hers.  It sounds lke she is manipulating him and he is allowing it to happen.  It is ridiculous for a man of his age to do his mothers bidding.  She sounds like a piece of work.  She is probably jealous of your relationship and knows she can guilt trip him into staying with her. If she really does not want to leave her home why can’t she stay with the adult son.  Why does He have to stay with her?  This is not about comfort, this is about control.  She sounds like she has total control over him. If he is willing to let you go over this then let him go.  He should honor his word for you as well.  After all you said it was his idea.   He sounds incredibly self centered and immature.   You dodged a bullet because I suspect if you did live with this woman you wold be unhappy as she seems to think he belongs to her and not you.

Even the bible says –

Jesus said “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife and the two shall become one flesh.”

Run, don’t walk.  You just dodged a bullet.  These two sound co-dependent and that is not healthy.  If you have not left him yet, do it now.  If you have left, do not look back.