(I must start by saying that my absence in this blog will be explained in this story, But now I am back)

Rachelle

 I do not know where the time has gone. It has been almost four months and it feels like it was last week the last time I saw you.

   I never told you how your illness affected me. How could I?  It would have been selfish of me. You see I felt your pain.  I mean I physically felt it as well as emotionally.  All the times I went to see you I would feel a sickness coming over me. It always started with an overwhelming sadness that I had to hide.  I remember one visit when you were asleep and I was sitting at your bedside. I finally had to let my tears go.  You had fallen asleep. In those last days you slept a lot.  But I stayed and I put my hand on your arm as you slept willing my body to put healing into yours. I wanted to fix you and I prayed.. I closed my eyes and prayed like there was no tomorrow.  But I know tomorrow is never promised for any of us. 

    When you found out it was near the end you changed.  At times you became child-like.  You were always apologizing. Always saying sorry when people helped you. I asked you once, “If it were me in the bed would you help me?”  And you said, “Hell ya”  So that was that.    When your bed was wet and I helped you change the bedding you apologized.  When you needed help to get to the restroom and I sat on the floor with you while you sat there  you apologized. I always told you “do not to feel sorry, I love you” And you would always say “I love you”  

   . That one day as I sat on the floor in the bathroom with you I had a flashback to our teen years. The times when we would go to a dance club and end up  sharing a bathroom stall. What a strange thing to do but there was always a long line and only two toilets.  A lot of girls did this .  Not a big deal.   We would play rock paper scissors to see who would pee first . In my mind I heard Whitesnake and Bon Jovi songs playing and I pictured how you looked back  then.  You had an amazing sense of fashion. We would visit these really cheap clothing outlets at the mall and you always manage to pull together an amazing outfit complete with a hat.  I envied the ease of style you had.  I learned a lot about fashion from you.

.  That day our world came full circle.  We went from silly girls sharing a restroom stall in a dance club to sharing those final moments in the bathroom at your house.  You had changed so much physically.   So frail, so thin but you were still so beautiful  Your eyes had not changed a bit.  They say the eyes are the window to the soul and I could see into yours and I suspect you saw into mine because we did not speak.  You looked at me and said, “I love you Shelly.”  . Your eyes held knowledge and secrets from beyond.  You were transitioning during those last visits. You had seen the truth about life

  Once. I asked you “penny for your thoughts?” and you answered,   “I am thinking about downsizing.”  That hit me so hard.  Because you were a collector of books, dolls and inexpensive jewelry and you had so many clothes.  But you knew all of it was so  meaningless.  It was just stuff and  I understood what  you meant.

    . That day downsizing had two meanings. .  You were also  downsizing some of your previous beliefs, opinions, worries and ideas.  We talked a lot about this.  How much the material things matter does not matter.  How love is the only thing you need in the end.   We remembered the silly things we used to worry about.  

We also talked about love and men and realized that romantic love was nothing compared to the love for your child. 

   You had grown out of that need and then you and all you needed was  the love of your friends and family. I totally got that.   I had not dated anyone in over 3 years and you knew all that had happened to me. You were always there for me and helped me get through it. I was a mess when it first began and you held me up while I tried to heal. Then you got sick and I was right back there. I was feeling pain again. After being numb for so long. I was a mess again but I tried not to let you see.  

That day when I was praying with you as you slept I finally let my tears go. At first they slid out silently but then my body started to shudder. The shaking woke you up. I had placed my hands on your hand, willing you to heal and praying to god when I realized that soonI would not be able to do that again.  I woke you up.  You looked at me and asked “Are you crying?  I am so sorry”     

 But I told a white lie and said, “Oh no I have a really bad headache.  You believed me because I was often getting headaches then.And  thankfully at that point you were like a small child and you believed me. 

As the cancer took over your body your mind seemed to regress.  The more time that passed the younger you seemed.  No more stress, no more worries.  At times you seemed  like a five year old child. I was so grateful for that. It seemed at times you did not know what was really going on and it was just you and me.  No pain, no cancer, no drugs

During those visits I was absorbing your pain.  It was leeching into me. I do not know why or how but I suppose it is because I am an empath and this type of thing happens to me from time to time. I have no control over it. You always seemed to feel better when I was there.  I remember you telling me how you always felt better when I visited.

  I could never stay more than an hour or two at the end  because my head would start pounding and I would feel sick to my stomach.  My visits became shorter because of this but  I came more often. I never got headaches or pain like that often . I am certain I was feeling your pain. I would bet on this.

Then the news came that your time was coming close.  You were sleeping a lot.  But I would still go see you knowing it may be the last time.

I asked your sister and sister in law to call me when the time came.. I made them a promise.  Then one Saturday afternoon I was puttering around my house feeling pretty good.  The weather outside was perfect for July.  Not too hot and I was feeling energized.. I was starting to wonder about what to have for dinner.  Then I suddenly became very dizzy and in a matter of moments felt like I had the flu coming on.  I had to stop cleaning and sat on my couch to find an old movie to watch while I rested. I was trying to decide between  Casablanca and the movie we loved with Bette Davis and Joan Crawford called “Whatever happened to Baby Jane?”.  Before I could decide I started to feel like something was wrong.  A sick panic came over me and I felt confused.  I did not know what was causing this and my anxiety was rising.. A few minutes later my phone vibrated. 

It was your sister telling me , “Her breaths are down to 10 a minute.”    You were dying right then.and my plan was to be with you. . To rush over and hold your hand while you leave this world. I wanted to give you comfort.  but I physically could not stand up.  There was no way I  could make the 20 mile drive without crashing.  Then I threw up.  So I lay down and began to pray..  I was having  so many emotions.  In the end I felt a sense of relief.  I knew you were going to be free.    

 I thought about how you had been holding on for the sake of your son and daughter and the people you loved the most.. I remember in times of your extreme pain and anxiety I would whisper to you, ““Rachelle, If you need to go, then go Do not worry about us.  I promise to keep an eye on them. (her kids and sister)  

      You passed about an hour later. My head felt lighter and my stomachache had eased but my HEART.  My heart felt a pain that was indescribable.  I was so conflicted. I felt peace for your passing as that meant the pain was gone but damn I was going to miss you

   .  I thought about us in  high school.  Sneaking out of your moms car at night, letting the top down  to just drive around and talk.  We would laugh, play  music, sing badly  and look for boys.  We were 16 and had our whole lives in front of us. I never imagined back then that this is how things would go.  You were only 54 when you left us.  I had the blessing of being your friend for forty years.  Then you were gone.

    It has been three months, two weeks and 5 days since you left and I am not the same..  I never will be.   You kept your promise to me. We talked a lot about you visiting me after to let me know you were ok..  You said you would and my god you kept that promise.  I have seen your signs and I know you are around at times..  But that is a story for another time.  The signs you sent were so undeniably you I had to start writing them down to share with your sister.  She and I share our stories about you and your visits.   I wrote your obituary and it was an honor.   Damn that was so hard. I never imagined I would have to do that.

     I feel like a physical part of me died when you passed and I cannot figure out how to put it back or fix it. Then again maybe this is just the way it is now and I just have to get used to it.  Rachelle- Thank you for being my friend all those years.  You were and  still are one of the best friends I have ever had and ever will..  No one can take your place.  I love you.  Until we meet again..

R.A.R 

11/5/1970 – 7/27/ 2025